INTERVIEW: Alan Tudyk

this man is amazing, i believe he also plays in Dollhouse, another one off Whedon’s creations 🙂

*excuse horrible type, both my arms are currrently in not working properly haha

INTERVIEW: Alan Tudyk.

This pain of mine

I hate how she pretty much kicks me out when I need to her to understand me the most, I get I say stupid stuff and it sometimes hurts but when all you can think about is killing yourself that sort of shit comes out. I hate her so much because of what she is doing to me but I cant help but love her. It would be so easy just to end it all, leave her a note and just end it. Then I wouldnt have to deal with all this shit that just keeps going around and around in circles. All these arguments, the back and forth about anything and everything, I cant handle it anymore. Its taking so much for me not to end it, I dont think I even care how you feel anymore, I feel like you would be happy, like burden that is me would be gone and you would no longer have to put with the fuckery I seem to be causing. Its not like I have much to be here for, Ive lost three important people in less then three months already all because Im apparently not worth it anymore. I cant even get an explanation out of one. Is it bad that that makes me think you would not care either? I know Im meant to have so many things to look forward too, my new job, starting schooling again, but it doesnt make me feel better, all I want to do is lock myself up so I dont have to be hurt anymore. I cant stand the pain anymore, it hurts so much. I feel so alone, no one to talk to about how I feel, and no money to go see someone I trust to talk to, I feel so lost. You probably wont even help me anymore. I just dont see the point to be honest. Why do I bother to be better for you? To have a good job so I can help you pay for shit? You get all the money I get from the government and more from me, how much do you think I can give you? Do you want all of it? Would it make you happy to see me broke and broken? I can already see your answer being no, but is that how you really feel? maybe it would be easier if I just left, packed me shit one day and left. No note, no explanation, all my shit gone. Ill deactivate all my social media you have access too so you cant contact to, Ill even leave the phone on the bench, everything wiped. It would be like I never existed. Maybe Ill pack my suitcase and book a flight away. Go live overseas. That way you wont find me. I bet you would be happy then. Do you know I dont remember the last you told me you loved me? You tell me I need to see someone but take all my money away? Is that your way of saying it? Yelling at me and making me feel like the bad guy when Im talk without thinking because I feel empty and blank so I dont think; well fucking you Im sorry I cant deal with the shit anymore; all I feel is sadness and I hate it so much, but I dont know how to feel anything else. Im trying so hard to be better, to get better just for you, but its not working, all it does is make the situation worse. I had my first day at me new job to day, it went okay, I have orientation tomorrow. I dont know off ill make it to be honest.

The recent stuff

So I haven’t actually written in a while, I feel sad about that to be honest…

What some should know (for those who actually read this) is it was my birthday almost a month ago, the depression has not gotten better but not gotten worse, I got my second tatttoo…and yeah…that’s probably the most important of the main things.

I’m not entirely sure what else I should say to be honest, I’ve thought of suicide all of five times in the past month, which is good for me…lately anyways…

I had a fight with a close friend the other day due to the way she spoke to me and how she thought she was making a funny joke about the amount of time I spend with a person when I meet them for the first time, sorry I don’t spend four flipping hours with someone or give blow jobs in parks to freaking strangers, if you reads this I’m sorry but I had to say it out loud, at least no one knows who you are.

So I spat it at her, now we are all weird around each other, despite our attempts to fix it, I don’t think it will happen…Oh well…

I went out on Halloween, that was fun, though apparently I promised to help some guy with his work project(?) Not sure when that happened but ah yeah haha

I feel like I’m a sarcastic bitch most of the time and I probably am to be honest but that’s just me…

Maybe that’s why I don’t have many friends…I got told I’m selfish…said thanks and hung up, then proceeded to cry the whole train ride home and go over every conversation with that person to realize I don’t actually say much to them…

I don’t know what else to say, I don’t hate life but I don’t love it. I’m swamped with work so much to do so little time…

Good morning good night good evening good life

Life skills that I don’t have

So I know I haven’t been on for a while but that may be due to my going on holiday and work and maybe my mental health slightly…

But update on life in last mother or so =

Went on holiday, was amazing, I got to pat a tiger, feed him some chicken, got to feed a bunch of different animals. Had a few monkeys fighting over who could eat my hair (it was blue at the time, okay so it still is blue just not as bright) and saw an amazing waterfall…that was all in one day 🙂

Went to a beautiful wedding, bride and groom looked stunning and I’m very happy for them 🙂

Got myself a tattoo, matching one with my mum actually…hurt like a bitch, I’m not going to lie, but was worth it 🙂

So that was my holiday, it was great, I got to meet some new and cool people and had a lot of fun, despite the hangovers ahaha

Got stuck right into work after the my little trip, had a sugar load to make up too…wasn’t to happy with that, but suppose I have to deal don’t I?

About a week ago I had a break down, was major like I’ve had before, but a break down non the less…I don’t know what triggered it but it happened…

I spent the night at a mates place a few weeks ago helping her after she went through some bad stuff, lovely person, like my sister, I would say she is the one I trust the most with my mental pain, if I wasn’t so worried that I would trigger something in her I would tell her everything…but alas I am…

What else has happened????

I got an implamon the other day, for those who don’t know what that is it’s a small bar that they put in the side of your arm to stop you from getting pregnant, though like all contraceptives it is not a guaranteed thing, it pretty much makes your body think its pregnant, stops you period (this is why I got it, because let’s be honest here guys. Me? Have sex? Pfft, you need a male for that and they all seem to fun from me), hurts like a bitch though, I have this bruise from the end of the bar because the nurse wrapped the compression bandage too tight, no stitches needed just some tape stuff and a waterproof bandaid, which I can take off in a few days. The bruise is cool though, I like bruises, they look cool. I can’t put pressure on it though because it’s. so god damn sore I could cry…

Ah yes and the guy, yes there actually is a guy, I wasn’t lying about the sex thing though…

I’m going to name him Bob, so Bob and I meet at the beginning of the year at a party, we really hit it off and a few months later we went to lunch and then we went with my friend and his brother to a music festival, we spoke heaps, he is amazing, truly, he is. I feel he is perfect, we have the same goals in life, we both want to focus on our careers and we both eventually want lots of kids and I feel he really is the perfect guy, and I know in ten years I’m going to regret not saying yes to him, but I don’t know what t is I just can’t, I don’t want to be with him, well I do, but there’s something about him that puts me off, and I’m not sure what it is…I don’t even feel jealous when he talks about another girl, unless he compares us (this has happened) but I dunno, I just, I feel lost in the whole situation…I really don’t know what to do…

Bright side my birthday is soon 🙂 can’t wait to see the people who are coming over for it 🙂

I think I need to up my anti depressants

Good morning, good night, good evening, good life

blah blah blah…no pain no gain

so the new girl at work is nice, i thought she would be really short with dark hair (dont know why) but she is a tad shorter then me wth long blonde hair…i was definitaly off with that.

she is good though and eager to learn which is good. i just hope that the 2IC doesnt get to her, the 2IC seems to think badly of me (i think it is bcause she has no one else to blame the mistakes on because the last girl she did left…) so here is hoping she doesnt change the way the new girl sees me…

on other news it the last week of my course and im freaking the flip out, i have so much due, i feel as if im under so much pressure (i am actually) and i hate it, it all makes me want to relapse (i think this is what i shall call it, all you need to know is that it doesnt involve drugs or alcohol) and i hate it…it scares me…alot

so im slowly working through what i have to do…slowly…it doesnt help when all i want to do is just disappear for a bit…or that my best mate isnt around at the moment and i need to talk to her…

i also dented the glass on my glasses, only had them less then a month, good job to me slow clap

list of good things coming up
-i have purple hair dye = purple hair
-i have a holiday coming up
-i think my arm is getting better (long story)

list of bad things
-i have a sugar load of work due and i have no idea where to start
-my best friend is awol (i know hwere she is but i wont say)
-i cant eat properly
-i cant sleep properly
-all i want to do is sleep for a week or two, maybe a month
-ive run out of my meds
-i feel as if im going to relapse any moment now
-my bad things list is longer then my good things lsit
-i feel like poop
-i have no money to buy meds or food for when i can actually eat
-i dont know if i want to continue my course
-im confused by everything
-i just want to cry
-and vomit
-and eat
-and sleep
-and i cant just disappear for a few weeks…

so there is my good and bad things list…if you cant tell…

im having to wear my glasses at all times now because im so tired that i cant see properly with out them…(there for reading only but my eyes just seem to flutter closed all the time and having the msitting on my nose helps kee me awake ecause its annoying and things seem to be blurry because im tired so wearing them helps to make things not blurry)

i want to eat but i feel that if i do it will make me sick…

this week is not my week

yay for my

this isnt for anyones pity

its for me to release my feelings

this is why i made this account

so if you are going to think badly of my then go sit in a very dark room with no light, millions of book and an uncurable need to read…

good now that would be hell

welp

good morning, good night, good evening, good life

blah blah blah…doctor who to future endeavours, the odd way to go…

so i know i was meant to do the whole post every monday thing, but there was a near apocalypse moment, okay so i wish.

anywho…

people sould know that i love doctor who, like really love doctor who, and walking dead, but doctor who more.

currently been watching the david tenant and catherine tate comedy skit on youtube, peeps should defs look it up…

i have the first four seasons (that come on blue-ray) and am currently paying off season 5+6 ($20 odd to go)

so excited !!!!

 

on other news, there is a new girl at work, at first I wasn’t sure how I felt about it, but then I found out she was a pommy, and I love the accent, so yeah, she will be working weekends with me…

on more news…im going on holiday soon, getting a tattoo, going clubbing with my mum (most awesome person ever, seriously, I would rather go to a music festival with her then my friends (what little friends I do have, and the one time I went with friends, all they wanted to do was find guys to hook up with, like seriously dude your at a  festival, mosh bitches!!!!!!!))

so excited for it 🙂

I wonder if you all mosh, do you mosh at music festivals??? I hope so…

I hate it when guys create circles and run into each other (death ring or some stupid crap???)

ruins the mood…

I remember I was right up front for rudimental and I was so close to touching hands, was amazing, I constantly thank the guy who shoved me in front of him so I could be at the bar :3v my hero right there, best way to get on my good side, put me up front and centre with my fav acts at concerts :3

e.g. kylie Minogue, black eyed peas, knife party, rudimental, asking Alexandria, ed sheeran, avicii, the amity affliction and yeah well you get the idea…

or you could by me a ticket (wink wink nudge nudge)

any who, I must admit that I love coffee, never did at first, and then it was instant stuff that you get in a jar, now its the good stuff, freshly ground beans, skim milk, no sugar, mmmm…maccas makes a good coffee, admittedly, but only certain ones, some are terrible, some are good. I also like the machines that you put the pod into…we have ones of those at work, milk in a cup, put it in the microwave for 2 mins, the pod in the machine, press the button and hey presto, you gots yourself a damn good coffee…

I also have one at home, though I use the work one more, I have about 3/4 coffees on a sat and 5/6 coffees on a sun, (not good I know, but I need to energy to survive the day…I blame the fact that I work in retail though…) when at home I drink maybe one in the morning on the weekend, then one in the morning about 3/4 times a week, depending if I have time or not, if I don’t have a coffee I have tea though…

I love tea, best thing ever, even better then coffee, (and I have caramel coffee, so yeah…) I think my ta festish at the moment is with English breakfast…though it tends to vary at times, I also like blueberry, apple and rosehip flavour…I have this massive collection at home, like massive…

my cousins boyfriend commented on it and told me he wanted my tea collection and he was going to steal it when he saw it for the first time…I have a whole shelf full of tea…(so a space measuring 60cm wide, 90 cm long…) yep that’s how much tea I have 🙂 and damn proud too ahaha…

im getting my kitchen renovated soon, new shelves and all, cant wait, I want to put my tea collection in one of the cabinets that has a glass door so I can see all the flavours :3

and a new kitchen means a new oven :3 very happy about that, the oven I have now is stupid and I cant really bake in it because it doesn’t work properly…so I cant wait for the new one so I can start to bake again…

everyone keeps telling me I should become a  pastry chef, and admittedly I have thought about it, but I don’t like the thought of the hours…im not a morning person, but I love to bake, best thing, and my nan (he was a chef and travelled a lot while working as one) has commented on the Humming Bird cake I made her for her birthday, said it was the best Humming Bird cake she had ever tasted, I was so proud, the boys at work (her job, not mine) had two or three slices them selves…and I make heaps of other cakes and cookies and I even make ice cream (summertime loving stuff :3 ) so its a thought,

but I also like to read, like a lot, as I’ve previously mentioned, so I think being an editor would be good, (yes I know I have horrible grammar, ut I am actually really good at English and at correcting grammar, im just too lazy to correct it on here, I figure if im going to write this it should be me, all me, stupid grammatical mistakes and all) and im sorry but the stupid computer keeps taking away the letting next to the one I change whenever I trying to fix a mistake I actually want to fix…its pissing me off so everyone can just deal with the letters missing from areas and two words being joined together…

I also want to say that if anyone who actually reads this has any questions for me please ask away 🙂

 

good morning, good night good evening, good life

blah blah blah…enter the random kid

so, i think it was tuesday, maybe wednesday, not too sure as the days seem to melt into one, but one of those days last week i had an aquaintance read over my posts, without telling them that i wrote it

first thing they say was that this person wrote the same way i spoke ahaha…its so true though, i do type the way i speak…

i want cookies, perferably triple chocolate chip ones from a certain store that makes the best cookie, but alas, i am once again broke. the sad but honset truth of the life of a casual worker who earns little money…grrrr…society how ou disappoint me oh so much

why is it that society puts up these ‘rules’ and ‘catagories’ for people. why are we, as humans, meant to fall into the different social groups that society has created?

i mean where would i fit in? im not sporty (i hate exercise) im not the cheerleader type, but im not the nerdy type (i have my moments i must admit) but ive been the bad girl (if you couldcall it that) ive smoked cigars, ciggaretes (i dont do other drugs) ive been the drama student (still am at times) im the arty person, im the person that doesnt really fit into a social group, im arty, i drink from time to time, ive smoked, i have depresssion, ive thought of suicide and i used to be (still am to be honest) a cutter, yes by that i mean i use a sharp object to slice open my skin. call me stupid if you want but i dont really care for your opinion, its a a way for my to deal. some people dont realise, but there is a reason i spent four years in drama classes, at first it was a fun, but then it was a way for me to learn of how to be someone im not, to hide myself from my peers, to stop the reactions from them when i was myself. i mean now i learnt that the sad and rude opinions of others do not matter, as long as the people closest to me love and accept me then im good 🙂

im getting off track now, but i dont really fit into a socail group, unless having mood swings every few days, going from a depressive to happy every two or so days, being highly opinionated, and vocal about my opinions when i want to be, i honestly wouldnt know where i would fit in, i used to sit with the muso kids at my first school, then, i spose you could call them the druggies (they didnt do drugs, the most was smoking but thats how the rest of the school perseved them) and then i moved between them and the nerds and the arty kids (my guess on what the groups would be)

so where do i fit into society today?

where do you fit into society today?

good morning, good night, good evening, good life

blah blah blah…i dont even know

Monday.

the first day of the working week.

the day that make everyone realise that, yes, the weekend is in deed over…and the day i wake up feeling like its sunday still…

for some stupidly odd reason my whole week is a day behind, starting from wednesday, i have felt as if i am a day behind the rest of the country. its not the best feeling. its horrible, i woke up expecting to get to sleep in for a few more hours before going to that place some call work then coming home to sleep…but no…i have to get up at the butt crack of the moring to go do what ever the hell i have to do on a monday moring -.-”

i love sleeping in, its not very often that i get to, so i love it.

im one of those people who will sit and read until 2-3 in the morning, the nget up at about 7-8…so when i get to sleep in its amazing…

i get so many people tellnig me that  wont be so tired if i went to sleep earlier, but alas, they be higgly poopy doops, i try to sleep, i close my eyes, lay in the dark and count sheep or jus relax and think of sleeping….that last about half an hour before i i get fidgetty and annoyed…so i read, until i fall asleep, or i cant read anymore because im so tired..works a treat 🙂

as ive probably mentioned…i love reading…i aslo love dots 🙂 if you cant already tell 🙂

they symbolise something to come…something more…

and they look cool 🙂

so, im sitting in a room, with other people, drinking my affogato (thankyou harvey fresh, its super duper amazing at waking me up and taste free falling) typing god knows what (i may or may not have mentioned that moi types without thinking at times, pain in the bee hive at times but oh well) thinking about the girl in my book and pondering how to spend my last  (cue pause for me to get the calculator up)$3.12 on…

yes i know, im so rich $$

not really, but im saving 🙂 i want an Ipad air or mini, so i can read on a larger screen instead of on the tiny screen of my Ipod :s

so money well spent me thinks

speaking of thinks, i was obber happy when i checked myy email nd found my last post had a few likes and i now have a total of two followers (cue applause for the awesomeness of moi)

very happy

spoke to my doctor about this, how i decided to start this thing where i just type, all my feels go out there on this page, and peeps can just read it all…he told me that despite my oddness im smart 🙂

again

very happy 🙂

for some reason ive been feeling very odd this past week (though that seems odd for me to say as i most likely am odd)

odder then usual for me

i dont understand why

and its confusing

my emotions feel out of wack

and im not sleeping

and all i wat to do is throw up all my cookies

and i refuse to do that, they are my cookies and they shall stay in my tummy

so…dear poorly functioning human form of mine

please go back to your normal state before i confiscate all yummy things, aka: nutella

forver and always

human person person

xoxo

 

good morning, good night, good evening, good life

blah blah blah…i read a lot

I read…a lot…as in a lot a lot…as in obsessive a lot…as in so much that I have to get glasses because I read so much…

I like it, it allows me to escape reality…I don’t like reality, it scares me, I don’t know what I want to do with my life and I don’t have the money to be able to do nothing, nor wait to choose a career…

being able to read allows me to enter the characters mind and sometimes I feel as if I can become the character, even if its only for a little bit…it’s such a good release for me, I put all my energy into the book im reading, that way it can’t go anywhere bad…

I like romance novels and even a bit of the super natural type

I like when the author can take me away on journey, when even after I have finished reading I can’t forget

when I read I can imagine what is going on, its like the words on the page are presented in a movie format in my head, every now and then I can’t remember if it was a book or a movie, I love that feeling, though as confused as I may be at the time, its great to know that my imagination is that good.

sometimes I think maybe I should write my own story, though I would have to pay attention to my grammar more, I also think to fast for me to write or type, its like the thoughts play through my head as if it were an actual movie, but on ast forward and I can’t slow it down to write it down and when I can write it down, I forget everything or it isn’t the same as I am imagined it to be

I sometimes have such a vivid imagination, it’s as if the things I perceive are caught between two realms, one being reality, the other my imagination…though these two seem to have something against me as they clash more often the not…its stupid, if I say something or think something often enough or repeat it to myself I can make myself believe it (yes I do know that this happens to many people) but I could probably make myself believe in dragons and witches, wizards, shapeshifter and vampires if I put my mind to it, hell, im half way there as it is, sad as it may be to you dearest reader of mine, it’s the truth. though watching things like charmed, buffy and game of thrones doesn’t help me haha

my view of the world is my own, I may not like it, it may not make sense to me, but I respect my judgement.

just so you know my dearest reader, I type without thinking 🙂

good morning, good night, good evening, good life

first post stuff…blah blah blah

so being my first post, i should admit that i have never acctually held a blog account before, let alone shared my ramblings. this is also a forewarning that im not sure what i will write about or post. so prepare for the worst, i also won’t tollerate hate…it shall be overlooked…

im not the best speller at times and like to invent my own word as well…but if you an sit there and read about what goes through my mind then i applaud you…*insert seal clapping from me*…

some of what i write will be real, as in it acctually happened, some will be the things i think should happen, or i wish would happen, or just the random thought i have in my mind…

if im going to talk about a real person they shall be referred to by cassie (female) or ash (male), if im feeling good i may call them Ashton…

i feel as if i should write more, but i also feel i shouldn’t, so im going to leave it at this…

 

good morning, good night, good evening, good life